Sunday, April 19, 2020

A Hike in The Woods. An Unexpected Spiritual Experience.

April 20, 2020

A few weeks back a friend posted a picture of a trail and there was the lake and it looked peaceful and fairly flat.  On my birthday last year I decided that this year I would hike 12 different trails and then the pandemic hit. We managed to get to three trails (one twice) by March.
Every time I am in the woods it soothes me. The smell, the earth, the wind, the sun, I need it all, like my body needs air, my soul needs nature.
My son Cole and I set out to the state park with honestly no idea the length of the trail or how difficult it would be. For some reason I assumed it wouldn't be very long or hard. I assumed wrong. We found the trail head and from the map it didn't look to hard, until it started going up, and up, and narrow, and over rocks and "Wow, there is the lake"! What felt like 2 miles in my son says "I think we are at a half a mile mom". What! Oh my gosh, the first mile and a half my body wanted to quit. It wasn't terrible but it was challenging and the thought of going on for 3 more miles of this I did't know if I could do. Then we hit the summit and the overlook. A nearly 360 degree view of the lake and mountains and it was breath taking. Lake Quachita is home for me. As a child my dad worked for the state park so we I literally lived there on the weekends.
 I believe I would like my ashes scattered here one day when I pass on. This lake has always been part of me since I was a baby and I raised my babies in this water, baptized by nature. It was here that I taught my babies about the importance of leaving things better than you found them. We would take our old party barge out and we would clean up any trash before we would swim or eat, always leaving it better than we found it.
As we were leaving the summit I could not see the trail except for the one we came in on, and my son pointed to the sign leading us on and I looked up through boulders at the small path going up and over as a man who approached said "It doesn't get any easier going that way". There was a moment I thought "I need to go back downhill the way we came". That was 1.5 miles back or we could go 2.5 miles and finish the trail, I decided to proceed.  *I should mention here that I am pretty fit. I walk at least a mile a day on my treadmill and my pedometer often shows on any given day I walk six to seven miles, I also do yoga, calisthenics, and cardio on the regular. So I knew I could do it if I had to.
As we went on the trail went up, and down, over rocks, near the shore, over bridges, through scrub and at one point we were at the bottom of a very rough looking hill going straight up. This is when I felt it deep inside my soul, this was a metaphor for what is happening in the world now, "Don't look up, look at what is right before you, put one foot in front of the other. You don't know whats ahead of you or how long you have to go but there will be an end to this. You can do this, you are strong." As I walked the feeling of walking the Labyrinth at our church camp came over me and that same feeling of the journey, the dark night of the soul, came over me. It may seem over dramatized but it wasn't so much the difficulty of the trail, in fact four miles is not that much for me. It was the message I was feeling in my heart. Not something you think, but something you feel in your soul. "This is beautiful and hard." Yes, life is beautiful in it's stillness and hard in the unknowing right now. There is so much pain in the world now, anger, sadness, and also so much beauty in the slowing down, learning what truly matters.
We didn't know what we were in for yesterday but we knew we could do it. We had each other, water, and what we needed. We had conversation and beauty. We had our collective strength. At one point about half way through we both said later we thought about turning around at the summit and decided in our own minds to move forward. We also talked about how we both felt that after we left the summit we felt a new strength. My son was talking about his future, his career, his plans and desires for the future and I told him my feelings about proceeding with your passion & not to take the easy route. Even if I didn't fully understand what he is wanting to do, I do know that when you have a God given passion in your soul you should follow that. He told me as we reached the end of the trail, "That last part of the trail went by so fast as I talked about what I wanted for my future.  It became easier as I discussed what I really cared about".  (Paraphrased)
Sometimes you know that you are experiencing something special and for me yesterday in the Ouachita Mountains, my home, I felt it. That message one feels from their soul is something you don't forget, it's a shift. That is what I want to convey, sometimes you feel a shift and you know that it is changing you.  This life we are in right now, its' going to be hard, and beautiful, long and tough, up hill and down hill but there will be an end and you will come out of it maybe sore, tired, a little beat up and sunburned but you will have a whole new respect for yourself, your body, your mind, and what is truly important in life.
Courtney and Cole (Mom and Son)

Friday, April 17, 2020

When Grief Hits. A Pandemic Experience Story.



*Pictured my kids and myself. Miller, me, Cole, Felisha & Will. Christmas 2018.

My body aches, my joints are so sore, my temperature is lower than normal and I have brain fog. Hashimotos Thyroiditis is kicking my butt and I truly believe it's because of stress. As a Stress Management Specialist I know all to well how stress impacts the body. No one is immune from stress.

So many introverts joke about this being normal. As an introvert myself I could relate, at first, but weeks on end of not seeing my kids or parents, cancelling trips we have planned, and getting exhausted from going to the grocery store I now know it's not about introvert or extrovert. This. Is. Grief.

This week has been especially hard. It started on Tuesday, day 28 of isolation. I decided to go with my husband to look at job two and a half hours away (we own a roofing company). This job was in a rural area with no reports of the virus and we would not have to be near anyone. We packed a picnic and loaded up on gas and supplies of mask, gloves, sanitary wipes and even toilet paper (we are from Arkansas we know how to use natures bathroom, at this point it's safer to pee in the woods than go in a gas station). After getting home my whole body hurt. The stress of seeing downed trees and damage from storms combined with thousands of people with no electricity broke my heart, spirit and health. I didn't even try to do anything else, we ate some leftovers and I took to my chair. Wednesday and Thursday were no better, I did what I had to do and no more.

What does this have to do with being resourceful? In life sometimes it's not about what we "Do", it's also about what we don't do. We packed a picnic and supplies but we did not buy food out, we did not go anywhere unnecessary, I am not working on any big projects while sick, I am not getting my hair or nails done, I am not driving or spending money on gas or at the store. I tallied up my savings this month from not working and it's over $1400. I'll share a breakdown with you.

I've been poor, for a very long time and yes you will see some things on this list that if you are struggling don't spend. For me they add value and are only things I have done when all other goals were met, bills paid, savings done etc.

Savings from NOT SPENDING: Approx. $1500.
1. I haven't had to commute 12 hours a week saving about $60 a week in gas. $240 a month.
2. I didn't get my hair colored or cut $100.
3. I didn't get my nails done (only every other month) $60
4. I am washing my hair every other day and using up what is in the house (those half bottles you decided you didn't really care for.. you know what I am talking about) savings on hair products $14 a month.
5. I am barely wearing makeup unless I go out and then it is minimal. Makeup replacement $15 a month.
6. No eating out. $300 a month.
7. Eating simple meals, using all the leftovers and eating supplies up. Savings of $260 a month.
9. No house cleaner. I make substantially more going to work and paying someone to clean. I keep up with it and have her come every two weeks. With this all going on I ask her if I could continue to pay her and she declined. This is saving me $200 a month.
10. Cancelled a trip we had planned (I had used points for the tickets and hotel) savings $400 for meals and travel expenses.

Earning: This is the time to focus on getting money from any resources you can into your bank account to pay bills and stock pile money. 
1. We got the mortgage deferral that was tacked on to the end of our loan. Saved $3750. I don't have to pay now. *Banks are handling this differently, ours puts in on to the end of your loan. We are with a small privately owned bank.
2. I spend my time working on getting unemployment, making sure we get our tax refund and stimulus check. Total for tax return and stimulus is approx. $7000 in income. I have no idea on unemployment and won't count on it until I get it, if I get it.
3. We are still running our roofing business. I handle marketing. My husband is out looking at roofs and following the CDC guidelines. He is doing repairs and such and trying to get money coming in.
I am keeping a close eye on the expenses of the businesses and will ask the accountant to adjust our quarterly taxes if we don't make much between April and June (right now I know it's substantially lower).
4. I cancelled all subscriptions and trimmed the fat on all of our expenses. We are on a bare bones budget and I do not feel deprived at all. This is a good time to look over your budget if you are at home and not working.


A word on Productivity and Creativity. 
There are quite a few opinions going around about either "being ultra productive" or "letting go of guilt and eating what you want, not being productive, feeling the grief..and so forth".  My own experience tells me that this changes from day to day or week to week. Sometimes I feel like being creative and productive the other times I am lucky to get the dishes washed and take a shower. You do you. Guilt is good for no one. Let your own inner guide lead you.

I hope this helps someone out there. Thank you for being here.

Love,
Courtney